Fuck the South. We should have let them go when
they wanted to leave. But no, we had to kill half a million people so they'd
stay part of our special Union. Fighting for
the right to keep slaves - yeah, those are states we want to keep.
And now what do we get? We're the Arrogant Northeast Liberal Elite? How about
this for arrogant: the South is the Real
The Authentic America.
Cause we founded this country, assholes. Those Founding Fathers you keep going on and on about? All
that bullshit about what you think they meant by the Second Amendment giving
you the right to keep your assault weapons in the glove compartment because
you didn't bother to read the first half of the fucking sentence? Who do you think those wig-wearing
lacy-shirt sporting revolutionaries were? They were blue-staters, dickhead. Boston? Philadelphia? New York? Hello? Think there might be a
reason all the damn monuments are up here in our backyard?
No, No. Get the fuck out. We're not letting you visit the Liberty Bell and
Plymouth Rock anymore until you get over your real American selves and start
respecting those other nine amendments. Who do you think those stripes on the
flag are for? Nine are for blue states. And it would be 10 if those Vermonters
had gotten their Subarus together and broken off from New York a little earlier. Get it? We
started this shit, so don't get all uppity about how real you are you
Johnny-come-lately "Oooooh I've been a state for almost a hundred years" dickheads. Fuck off.
Arrogant? You wanna talk about us Northeasterners being arrogant? What's more
American than arrogance? Hmmm? Maybe horsies? I don't think so. Arrogance is the cornerstone of
what it means to be American. And I wouldn't be so arrogant if I wasn't paying
for your fucking bridges, bitch.
All those Federal taxes you love to hate? It all comes from us and goes to you, so shut up and enjoy your Tennessee Valley Authority electricity and your fancy highways that we paid
for. And the next time Florida
gets hit by a hurricane you can come crying to us if you want to, but you're
the ones who built on a swamp. "Let the Spanish keep it, it’s a
shithole," we said, but you had to have your fucking orange juice.
The next dickwad who says, "It’s your money, not the government's
money" is gonna get their ass kicked. Nine of the ten states that get the
most federal dollars and pay the least... can you guess? Go on, guess.
That’s right, they're red states. And eight of the ten states that
receive the least and pay the most? It’s too easy, asshole, they’re
blue states. It’s not your money, assholes, it’s our money. What was that Real American
Value you were spouting a minute ago? Self reliance? Try this for self
reliance: buy your own stop signs, assholes.
Let’s talk about those values for a minute. You and your Southern values
can bite my ass because the blue states got the values over you Real
Americans every day of the goddamn week. Which state do you think has the
lowest divorce rate you marriage-hyping dickwads? Well? Can you guess?
It’s Massachusetts, the center of the gay marriage
universe. Yes, that’s right, the state you love to tie around the neck of
anyone to the left of Strom Thurmond has the lowest divorce rate in the nation.
Think that’s just some aberration? How about this: 9 of the 10 lowest divorce rates
are blue states, asshole, and most are in the Northeast, where our values suck
so bad. And where are the highest divorce rates? Care to guess? 10 of the top
10 are red-ass we're-so-moral states. And while Nevada is the worst, the Bible Belt is doing its part.
But two guys making out is going to ruin marriage for you? Yeah? Seems like
you're ruining it pretty well on your own, you little bastards. Oh, but that's
ok because you go to church, right? I mean you do, right? Cause we get to hear
about it every goddamn year at election time. Yes, we're fascinated by how you
get up every Sunday morning and sing, and then you're towers of moral
superiority. Yeah, that's a workable formula. Maybe us Northerners don't
talk about religion as much as you because we're not so busy sinning, hmmm?
Ever think of that, you self-righteous assholes? No,
you're too busy erecting giant stone tablets of the
Ten Commandments in buildings paid for by the Northeast Liberal Elite. And who has the highest murder rates
in the nation? It ain't us up
here in the North, assholes.
Well this gravy train is fucking
over. Take your liberal-bashing,
federal-tax-leaching, confederate-flag-waving, holier-than-thou, hypocritical
bullshit and shove it up your ass.
And no, you can't have your fucking convention in New York next time. Fuck off.